This post,was motivated by WordPress Discover,giving a word a day,to stimulate the blog writer’s creative juices,but since I already published today,I’ll save this one,for a few days.Still a big thanks to Discover,for motivating us.
I don’t know,if any of you have read,any of my blogs,so let me give you a little background,to help you understand this post,a little better.It would of course be about me and my miserable childhood and abusive upbringing,by my mother.I’m sure,it was one of the first words,I had to learn to understand and that is “grateful” If not,it would be “ungrateful”
I can mostly only remember,the bad part of my childhood and that’s why I don’t think,anything good ever happened in my life,while growing up.My mother was a witch and it always felt,as though she couldn’t stand me.As far back,as I can remember,I relive the swearing, the shouting,the degrading word,the cringing humiliation,the hidings,the slaps…anywhere on my body.She enjoyed pulling my hair too.I hated having long hair.Well,I hated being a child,in this household, fullstop.
I would play outside,by myself,as my older brother was 5 years older and in school and definitely in the mood, for a younger sister and at first,my younger brother hasn’t been born yet and then he was still a baby,5 years my junior.I didn’t have any toys,like a doll,or tea-sets,coloring books,like most of the children,in our neighborhood had.I’d draw lines,in the sand with a stick,the “picture” resembling my house.I can’t remember any other houses,but ours,but I purposely draw mine,as different as I could,from our house.I would go into my “livingroom” and “see” the plants…I’d sit on my “comfortable” sofa, with my feet pulled up,not worrying about dirty feet and hands, touching everywhere and “listen” to my own transistor radio.I’d invite my imaginary friends in,to come have some tea and I’d talk to them,like they were really there.I usually complained about my mother,to them,but none of them did anything,to try and help me.
Once,jùst after their arrival,it was time to bake a cake.To do that,I needed a “bowl,flour,milk and eggs“I emptied the dog’s water bowl and added sand.Then I walked up and down,with anything small and hollow I could find,but I still needed a spoon,to mix and spread my dough,on the baking tray.All the lower branches, of the trees were cut off,to prevent us from climbing in the trees.
This meant,I had to climb up,against the split-pole fence,then crawl to the zink roof of our toilet,still outside back then.It was a flush toilet though.The zink sheets were already hot,as the sun was already shining high in the sky.I had to move swiftly,without loosing my balance…The moment I got up on my feet and started walking forward,my hair got stuck between the branches and the more I try to untangle it,the less it helped.Then,at last I got my hair untangled,but I can just imagine what a mess it was.My scalp was sore, when I touch,but it wasn’t that bad,as it felt the same, after mother pulled my hair.I got hold of a nice branch,with small twicks,looking like fingers…exactly what I need,to mix my cake.I struggled,to break the branch and at some stage,it gave way and I nearly fell.My heart was in my throat.Luckely,I didn’t make a sound!!It was short-lived,as my foot slipped and my dress got caught on one of the higher sharp branches,that shot up,when I broke the other branch,supporting it.It ripped my dress,but as a child,I didn’t worry about it,for too long.
My mind was on my guests and the cake,that needed to be baked.By the time my “cake” was mixed,my dress looked the same color….that’s when mother saw me.I jumped,from the fright she gave me,when her screeching voice,spit out that swear words.I knew I was in trouble and there was nothing I could do.She won’t do the one,before the other….like preaching and then the hiding,or the hiding and then explained why,I’m in trouble.
While holding my left arm,she hit me with her flat right hand….on my back and on my head,because my hair was tangled and a mess.She’d shout at me, telling me how ungrateful I was…that there are children without proper clothes….not once mentioning,that my clothes was hand me downs,from the neighborhood’s bigger or older girls….that I should be grateful,for the house we live in and for the roof over our heads….that I have a place to play outside….not knowing,how much I wanted to give it all up,for a happy childhood life,like some of the other neighborhood kids.She’d shout,with that high pitched voice,by now that I’m naughty,to play with the dog’s bowl,in water ànd with the sand.With each slap,she’ll hiss a word, through her squeezed thin lips.It was as if she was looking for more words,to give me a better hiding…..
You should be grateful,that I don’t hit you,sò hard,that you’ll never get up again. You should be so grateful, that I let you wear that dresses….maybe I should let you go,without a dress for a few days.You should be grateful,that your father isn’t home….don’t know why,because he didn’t have any part,in our upbringing.He didn’t blink an eye,when mother “disciplined”us…..as long as he had ice and ice water,to drink with his brandy
How could I be grateful,if I wished someone could steal me and take me far away….someone who will love me and care for me….?
Nowadays,we should be grateful,that we didn’t get floods,like “this and that”country,or drought,or that I’m alive.Being diagnosed with Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension,my GP was so happy,when the usual blood results came in and said,“we should be grateful,because at least,it’s not cancer!!!”Seriously!?Why?!Cancer is treatable and most of the times, Cancer patients should be grateful,they only have cancer,because some cancers can be cured.They should also be grateful,that they don’t have Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension,because the only treatment available,is symptomatic…only to try and relieve the discomfort,that came along,with the terminal illness.There is nò operation and it can nòt be reversed,or go into remission!!So I’m NÓT grateful,for not being a cancer patient,but they should be grateful,that their cloud,most possibly,have a silver lining…..yes,be grateful…..
Please note,that cancer patients are in my prayers and have my greatest sympathy and that I also lost a few loved ones,to cancer…..and I was heartbroken…..but they still have “time to buy” which I don’t have.
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