Notes from my memories,my journey begins

It is already 00H43 on January 1st 2020.I’m officially starting my blog,so bear with me,please.I’m still in the roughs,but on this space,I’m looking forward to except any burning questions,that you don’t have the guts,to ask anybody else.I’ll use my own personal life’s experiences,to try and help you,to not make the same mistakes I made,or to assure you,that you’re not the only one.Maybe I can help you,through my experiences,to work through your own issues.My answers will be true,honest and to the point.

What makes my blog better than the rest?I think every blogger has a calling,to blog about something.Hundreds of bloggers,write about food,diets,recipes,travels…surely there are other’s,who can give advice on relationships…

I always had a passion for writing,but I never had the time,or the trust in myself,that I will be able to create a blog!!It sounded so way out there,meant for the really clever computer literate ones.What stirred that feeling,to try my hand at writing again,was a search engine that all of us,used at some point in our lives:Google.They invited me,to become a local tour guide and as I got to know the ropes a bit better,I enjoyed it more.Then Qora invited me to answer questions and after a rough start,and quite a lot of answers,I was offered my òwn space!!After I got the niche of being a tour guide,I got so cocky,that I created my email and started to face my 3 big fears,Facebook,Twitter and Instagram and became part of my finished goals.Well thìs is my new reason,to become part of the modern technology age.

About myself.I’m not a therapist,not a professional councilor and not really computer literate,but I’m a mom,to 4 adult children and a grandmother to 7 grandchildren.Was married to my eldest 3 children’s deadbeat,abusive,excuse for a father and divorced him,just short of 5 years.I then got married,to my 2nd husband and father of my youngest daughter,who died less than 2 months,before our 5 year anniversary.I had to end my 30+year nursing career due to ill health.I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension,just over years ago.Unfortuanitely,we don’t have any medication,in South Africa,to slow the progression of the illness down and there is no operation to correct it.

I was in medical ICU,for 6 weeks,in 2018 and the doctors told my husband and youngest daughter,to let the family come say good bye,because they can’t do anything for me.I struggled to heal and it took time,to learn how to do daily routine,that we so easily take for granted.

Because I nursed in 2 old age homes,for the last 23 years,I will àlways have a soft spot,for the elderly.

I adore my “rescued” boy dogs and love animals.Gardening,DUY, experimenting and exploring…

My journey starts today,but by asking me those questions,I will take you way back in time,to where my childhood memories all began.Some,not a lot of it,will be nice,or okay,but the ones that keep haunting me,are those ones,a child shouldn’t live through.Memories that no adult,should have,about their upbringing.

It’s time to put the past behind me and try and forgive,the woman I trusted, that treated me like a slave,an unwanted orphan…my mother

Please feel free,to ask me about those things,you’re uncertain about,or nobody but you know…something that you just can’t ask anyone else…something you can’t tell somebody else but have to get the answer for.Maybe I can help you,by using and sharing,my own personal experiences.I promise to be honest and to the point,with all my answers.Only ONE taboo:NO EXPLICITLY! Let’s keep it clean and natural.

Ask away

GOING BACK today,years ago…

“What you do today,will change the outcome,of your memories from the future forever…but you can’t change the memories you have,about your past”

My grandson(9)visited for the December holidays and we had sò much fun.He watched “Judge Judy” with me,”Impractical Jokers” and the food programs,with us and thèn,he followed every other program,granddad watched.One of them,was “Forged in Fire” .He dreamed about being able,to make those beautiful,sharp swords and knifes,one day.Then they had an episode,about making(forging)bows and arrows and thàt,was the beginning of his quest,in our big yard.He looked at every tree and asked granddad “which of this and what about that” would make the perfect bow and arrows.So,after saving quite a few trees,from destruction,we suggested that he cut,some bamboo shoots from the bushes we have,right at the back.Armed with a hedge cutter,he set off,to find the perfect shoot,for the bow and a few smaller ones,for the arrows.He was instructed,to leave it out in the sun,to dry for two days and then put it in the bathtub,after he bathed,at night.This process have to be repeated,at least four times and we silently hoped,it would buy us some time,for a new dream to form…. Well it did and he forgot about it.I still have that shoot,carefully picked for perfection and I’m going to write the date on it,as a nice memory about his grandparents,one day….

This is where the “going back” part comes in…when I was about 5 years old,I got a second hand doll, from one of my mom’s rich friend’s daughter,that she sold at a much lower price.I loved this doll and because my baby brother,was still a baby,it was my dream….to be a mom and that doll was my baby.I washed her endlessly and cuddled her, sang to her,something I didn’t get from my mother… It was during these years,that we were lucky enough,to go watch a movie once or twice a year,in the High-school Hall.It was seldom anything else,than “cowboyand crooks” movies) .Steve McQueen,Charles Bronson,Clint Eastwood… Always busy with the outlaws(not that I understood anything,but of what I saw)and off course the Indians,Apaches and the Sioux,burning down houses and cutting off hair and sculpts,stealing horses and their famous talent,to use their bow and arrows….

It was after one of these films,that me and my older brother(then about 11 and died,on the 6th of January 2020)decided that my doll will be “kidnapped” by the Indians.The characters we’re going to portray,rehearsed and then…well my brother never told me,that he(the Indian)is not only going to “kidnap” my “baby” but also cut off her hair and “sculot” her.I chased him,but it was his joke,because I couldn’t catch him and prevent my child getting killed!!We were always very noisy children,so mother didn’t look twice,at the screaming and shouting.Then he stabbed my precious doll…over and over,full of holes.I cried and he laughed and then he said he was sorry.He suggested that we bury her,because all the characters in the films come alive.They were in the next film again,with no scars,from the previous cuts and bruises…it sounded like the logical thing to do.As least she will be okay and not be full of stab wounds.She’ll also have her hair back.So we held a funeral.We got some wild flowers,from the open fields,hehind our yard and put it in a small cold drink bottle and we closed our eyes,as he “prayed” We had to wait a few days,for the soil to do its magic,so we did something else.After quite some time,I tried to find her,but with no luck.My brother would lead me,on this road of make believe and then the shock,of the consequences afterwards(too late of course)just to trust him again,with a “new game” that will bring me in trouble,while he played innocent.

He turned 60 in 2018 and we were all exchanging stories of mischief,about our childhood years told the family and friends about “us” being so naughty,back then.Now,after his passing away,my thoughts take me back,to all these incidents and I wonder,if he acted normal towards me, regardless of the films we saw.Why did he feel the need,to break the few possessions I had the privilege to have,while he never broke his own stuff, let alone somebody else’s?

As the memories of my past unfold,when my thoughts wander off,to way back when,I have so many unhappy ones,about my childhood and these will be some,of what I’ll share.Take note,that some of these stories I have to tell,will be revealed in this site for the first time and if I shared it,it wasn’t complete…..

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